Desperate Heart
by Comfy Chair
Summary: Follows on from Season 2 finale. Buffy returns from her self-imposed exile in Los Angeles, wounded and traumatised. Her friends are concerned for her sanity. Revised story. Last chapter now posted.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**a forsaken cry**

Ghosts or visions, she did not know which, had plagued her ever since she had left Sunnydale. She closed her eyes, and clenched her fists as though willing her tormentors to disappear. When she opened her eyes they were still there, standing either side of her.

"Tears are a sign of weakness," commented Kendra. Buffy had missed the serious young woman; her accent, like a scent or a photograph, elicited memories that she had long been trying to bury.

"They get in the way of priorities," the second apparition added. The sight of Jenny was even more painful

as it brought up the guilt and sorrow she felt for Giles with the ever present longing to see her Watcher again.

"They are a method of avoiding them even; a little girl's way of getting attention," Kendra persisted.

"We shouldn't be surprised, really. She always was more emotion than duty. Not killing Angelus the first time she had the chance being a case in point."

Buffy visibly flinched at the last remark. "Make your point," she managed to say eventually and commanded wearily, "give your message and leave me alone."

No one had noticed her weeping into her hands, held up to shield her face. The slight breeze caught her blonde hair as she sat on a bench in one of Los Angeles' parks. The park was still fairly full; people made their way home or supervised children as they played with sail boats in the man-made lake. One child threw stones at a boat and made mock bomb sounds at each impact. Laughter could be heard from a group of teenage girls every time the park's gardener knelt down; his shirt rose up his back every time. A man in city clothes walked and read a newspaper at the same time. He bumped into a young professional couple, equally engrossed. The evening was very pleasant, so no one noticed the young woman sitting on one of the benches off to one side of the winding path.

"This is getting embarrassing" Buffy finally admitted to herself as she brought her grief into check.

She wiped her eyes and blew her nose on a handkerchief. Standing up with a determined effort, she realised that she was now alone in the park.. She looked at her watch and cursed her weakness; she would be late again for work, as a waitress at a nearby diner. She stepped on to the path to commence her journey and discovered she was not alone; the two apparitions were still there, facing her.

"Your responsibilities lie back in Sunnydale," said one.

"Your friends need you," said the other.

"Enough!" Buffy stepped away, her hands on her ears. She turned round to face them. "You could at least stand next to each other. I'm getting tennis-watcher's neck looking backwards and forwards between you." Kendra and Jenny did as they were asked and Buffy was momentarily shocked. "Now go away," she commanded hopefully. They remained. "I knew that was too good to be true," she sighed and started to walk away from the women.

"That's right, ignore us. Ignore your responsibility."

"Think about yourself and no one else"

She kept walking. "If you were really who you appear to be," she said defiantly without looking behind her, "you wouldn't be treating me like this. I'm not answerable to some figment of my madness."

Jenny caught up and stood in Buffy's path. "You want me to be nice," she spat. "Your boyfriend snapped my neck or had you forgotten?"

Buffy let out an involuntary sigh at having the memory dragged from the depths she had confined it to. "You are not real!" She screamed.

Jenny's form dissipated. Buffy quickly looked round and found Kendra had also left the scene. She looked down at her feet. "All I want is a normal life," she whispered.

"That's a high ambition for a slayer," came another familiar voice. Buffy turned around to see Theresa, another of Angelus' victims sitting on a nearby bench. "Be careful, Buffy you don't fly too close to the Sun," the ex school friend then similarly vanished.

Buffy looked at the vacant bench. "I'd be happy to just catch a glimpse" she said as though the ghost was still present.

She exited the park trying not to think about the last few minutes. Were ghosts visiting her? Or were the apparitions a tangible sign of her a gradual descent into madness, brought on by grief, guilt and loneliness? She realised that she really did not care which was true. Since the night she had killed Angel, Buffy could not summon any enthusiasm for anything other than getting through each day. Like the miles of a journey, each day distanced her from that moment. Eventually it would disappear over the horizon as Sunnydale had on that coach journey weeks before.

A normal life was impossible, she knew; she had nightly slain countless vampires since her arrival in the city. She had, in fact, never been more in demand and was getting tired at the effort. The demons seemed to travel in groups of three or four in that perversely titled City of Angels. Each night Buffy was less certain she would see dawn. But, again, she really did not care.

Suddenly someone grabbed her from behind and pulled her into an alley off to one side. Buffy spun round on impulse only to receive a painful blow to the side of her head that sent her falling back on to the hard ground. The back of her head hit the floor causing her vision to go cloudy. The assailant was on top of her quickly and pinned her arms with his legs. "Hello little girl" he said mockingly.

A calmness suddenly came over Buffy. Despite being weak from nights of slaying and lack of sleep, she knew she could throw off this demon, but she could not bring forth any desire to do so. "Don't worry," she said almost soothingly. "I won't struggle." She turned her head to one side offering her neck to be taken into oblivion. After all, she thought, living in exile is just another way of dying.

"Oh don't say that little girl" the man said " It's more fun when they struggle"

Buffy remained silent and still. She closed her eyes to prevent tears. When oblivion was a long time arriving she opened them in horror and threw off her attacker. The man was dead before he hit the far wall.

Day followed night followed day. Buffy followed a set routine of work, rest slay and work. She puzzled over why she kept up the slaying, eventually putting it down to a sense of guilt at ignoring her calling. She convinced herself that was the reason; she could not sit behind a closed door all night when innocents were falling victim to demons outside. However, she also saw the futility of it. She was well aware that the slaughter had been going on for centuries, including the time she had spent in Sunnydale. Ultimately, however, it gave her life meaning. At any rate, it occupied her mind before she had to surrender to sleep and all the untouchable horrors that brought her.

A week after the attack in the alley Buffy found herself walking through the park. It was after midnight, she had finished her shift and was on her way back to her apartment. It had been a particularly irritating evening with awkward customers making unrealistic demands on her attention. One diner, who had drunk too much for his own good, had slapped her on the behind. She had lashed out and nearly broken his nose. She was fired on the spot. As such, she was insanely pissed off. Any vampire that dared to challenge the slayer this night was in for a hard time. Despite her appearance, the vampire that did dare was not deterred. Buffy regarded her challenger with the eyes of a hunter eyeing its prey. "Oh good," she said gleefully, "I was so hoping to kill something tonight."

The demon in human form was not perturbed by her remark. "You must be the new slayer in town who has been whittling away at the undead," he sneered, "It's been a long time since I drained a slayer. This time I think I'll kill rather than convert. The last slayer I converted became rather tiresome. You know, too clingy and possessive. She rather cramped my style."

Buffy was genuinely amused. "You finished?" She mocked. "I must check one day just how many slayers there have been. I've lost count how many vamps I've dusted who claim to have killed one."

"Watch learn and die slayer."

"Yadda yadda yadda," she responded and high kicked the vampire in the chin.

The demon stumbled back but remained on his feet. He made a quick response of ramming Buffy in to the nearby bushes. As they both fell with the momentum of the charge, Buffy rolled back and flipped the demon over her head into more bushes. These were full of thorns and it took him precious seconds to extricate himself. It was just enough time for Buffy to make up the distance between them and lunge with the stake she had taken from the inside pocket of her jacket.

She drove the weapon into the vampire's heart and, as she did so, she caught the glint of metal out of the corner of her eye - a knife held in his left hand. The foe turned to dust but, for some reason, the metal object did not fall to the ground. For a moment Buffy was puzzled at this until she realised that the blade was firmly lodged in her right side, just below her ribs.

"Oh dear," she said matter of factly. "Now that can't be good." Pain finally registered over adrenaline and Buffy crumpled on the spot.

**Chapter two **

**a place to rest**

The teenager sat on her hands beneath the bus shelter, her legs swung back and forth, matched by her companion, pacing left to right pass her.

"Xander, you're making me nauseous," Willow said.

"Now, Willow, don't try to sweet talk me or Oz'll get jealous. I really don't want to make Oz jealous. Believe me."

The young woman smiled, which briefly mesmerised Xander. Why had he never noticed how her smile could light up a dark place?

"You're afraid of my boyfriend. That's so cool."

"Be kind. He is a werewolf three days a month. Besides, you're afraid of my girlfriend," Xander countered defensively.

Willow laughed. "Xander, **you're** afraid of your girlfriend."

"You've never been shut in a broom cupboard with her as often as I have."

"I'd rather not know much more than that please." Willow turned up her nose at the thought. "Mind you," she added, "there was this one time..."

The two close friends talked some more, but both avoided the reason they were at the bus station in the first place. Since Buffy had left Sunnydale the gang had taken turns to both stand vigil against her possible return, by acting as a welcoming committee of sorts, and to maintain a vampire-watch. Both tasks had proven unsuccessful; no Buffy, very few vampire kills. The latter was not for the want of trying, however.

"It's time we set off for the cemetery" Xander said finally. The sun had long since set.

Willow sighed and remained seated. "I don't know why we bother hunting," she sulked. "We never make a kill."

"Yea, but Wills, we made progress last night. That vampire ran away from your stern look."

"No he didn't. He just felt sorry for me."

Xander smiled. "Just think though, when you're an old and your grandchildren ask what you did when you were young, you can say you hunted demons to make the world a safer place and they'll look at you as a cool old lady." He started to walk to the exit.

"Yea, that'd be cool. But, Xander." He was still walking away. "Xander." He turned round. "Suppose they don't ask?"

"Then you can still tell them regardless. Repeatedly like only a grandmother can." He resumed walking. "Anyway, we have to put on the appearance that there is someone here to keep them in check."

In truth, they were not making much impact at all. Instances of disappearances and raids on blood banks had increased over the past few weeks, and reports of gangs of violent, apparently drug-influenced youths attacking people at night was becoming the norm.

Xander stopped walking and turned round. Willow had not made up the distance. He was about to say something when he noticed she was staring transfixed in another direction. He followed his friend's line of sight and saw that a bus had just pulled in. It was the last one that evening and they would normally have waited for it to empty.

"Willow, come on. It'll be the same as last night and the night before..." He stopped in mid sentence when he noticed a petite blonde girl start to descend the steps of the bus. Willow turned to him. No words were necessary as he walked up to her and let her put his arm round him.

Buffy reached the bottom step and put her right foot on the tarmac. Her leg gave way and she stumbled. The next passenger offered a helping hand.

"Now that's got to have been embarrassing," Xander commented.

"Which is a good job we didn't see it."

Buffy let the passenger help her to her feet and made a faint smile of gratitude. She looked round at her surroundings, not noticing Willow and Xander in the shadows of the shelters, and slowly made her way to the exit. She looked round again a few times as though checking no one was following and, when at the gates, made an equally cautious approach before stepping on to the road behind the station wall.

Xander and Willow silently decided to follow and watch rather than run and hug Buffy, sensing their friend did not want to be found yet. They hurried to the exit so as not to miss her, but found that she had not gotten far. It looked as though she was heading towards the nearest cemetery, but instead she walked past the entrance and sat on a nearby bench. It was then that they decided to approach her.

"Buffy ?" Willow asked gently so as not to startle her.

The approach did not work as Buffy leapt up and stepped back from them, leaving just enough distance between to be able to make whatever physical response was necessary. After long seconds she realised who was before her. "Shit, you scared the living daylights out of me." She then visibly relaxed, but still kept her distance.

"Hi, Buffy how's life kicking?" Xander asked matter-of-factly.

"It's good to see you, Buffy," Willow added with more feeling.

"Fine and ditto," Buffy responded in turn.

There followed an awkward silence. Once again it was Willow who eventually spoke up. "We saw you get off the bus and...followed you," she looked sheepish. "We didn't know whether to call out or not. You appeared occupied in thought," she added quickly.

"I was... yes I was definitely occupied in thought."

"Where are you headed ?" Willow asked.

"I... I have to do something. I was just thinking what sort of approach I should make when you jumped me," Buffy added the last bit to cover her hesitation.

"Can we come along?" Willow asked trying to appear as though she were making everyday conversation, such as between friends who had seen each other every day, as opposed to those who had been apart for weeks.

Buffy looked briefly panicked but hid it straight away. "No...that's OK, but I have to do this myself."

"Hey, we could be of assistance," Xander offered. Willow looked at him sardonically. "Well we could be moral support then."

"No, honestly guys...I need to go alone. It could be dangerous and...and in fact I really should be going now."

"But, we haven't seen you for so long and besides," Willow looked at Xander, "we've been practising... you'd be surprised how effective we are."

Buffy began to look desperate. "Please... look I have to go now. Keep away and I'll fill you in tomorrow." She edged backwards from them and stumbled slightly.

" Now you're scaring me... a lot," Willow said and made to approach Buffy.

"Yeah and then some" Xander added.

"Well you don't have to be here. I crept out for a reason," Buffy said desperately. Willow and Xander looked alarmed at their friend's change of tone. "Take a hint already!" The slayer added for effect.

Willow looked pained and Xander annoyed. "Buffy don't cut us out. Not again. You're not invincible," he preached.

"Loneliness can kill just as surely," Willow added.

"That's right."

"I know," Buffy conceded. "But there's less blood and gore involved." She looked blankly at the space between them and spoke to it as though thinking out loud. "Everyone I get close to either dies or betrays me or grows to hate me: Angel, Jenny, Kendra... mom," she listed as though reciting a litany.

"What are you afraid we will do?" Willow asked, concern clearly written on her face.

Xander was not so understanding. "Yea, what heading do we come under ?" He said with heat in his voice. "Or should I take a hint ?"

"Do you really need to ask that?" Buffy looked genuinely hurt and Xander felt bad in turn. "I would die for you both," she continued glassy eyed; her right arm was held to her stomach as she emphasised the word die. "You must know that."

"Buffy don't." Willow wanted to hold her.

"I would give my soul for you. Second only to my mom you are what makes my whole crappy life bearable. It would just be more bearable if I knew you were behind your front doors where I know no demons are invited."

"Hey," said Xander attempting to lighten the mood, "you're not normally so glass half empty. Where's that smile in the face of adversity we've all come to know?" He lifted Buffy's chin.

She looked at him in disbelief, missing his attempt at levity or perhaps resentful of it. "Damn you...damn you," she repeated but with more heat to her voice. "Where is it written that I must be universally the happy girl? Just because you don't always see tears doesn't mean I'm always happy. I have a right to be miserable, sad and depressed and...tired." She backed up to the wall and lowered herself to the ground. She pulled her knees up to her body and rocked slowly. "So tired."

Willow had remained silent. She had been too shocked at seeing her friend breakdown before her eyes. She eventually lowered herself to Buffy's eye-level and took her hands in her own. "We'll go home."

"Like hell we will." Xander walked round to face Willow.

"We will go home," Willow repeated looking at him but not relinquishing her hold of Buffy, who had laid her head on her knees and was looking off to one side as if oblivious to her surroundings. "Buffy has a job to do and she'll do it better knowing we are safe."

Xander rubbed his eyes. "OK, Willow I concede the point, but... in this instance we can't leave her. I mean look at her. She couldn't defend herself in this state. I'm willing to bet that if we come back tomorrow morning she'll still be sitting here."

Willow couldn't help but admit he was right. "Buffy, let us take you home."

"I can't go home."

"Why not, Buff?" Xander asked. "Your mom will be relieved to see you. She took your leaving hard."

"Not yet. Please willow." Buffy looked into her friend's eyes.

"We'll go to Giles then," Xander suggested.

"Buffy ?"

She nodded and allowed Willow to help her stand. Xander went to take her other hand but Buffy flinched back against the wall, her eyes fearful. He would have felt offended had he not already been confused. Willow led the way whilst the young man kept an awkward distance to the rear.

They made slow progress to Giles'. Buffy did not seem in a hurry and several times stopped for a rest, which further convinced her friends they had been right to stay with her. They finally reached Giles' house after what seemed an age of walking. It took almost as long for the Watcher to come down to the door. Willow held back a smile when he appeared in a tweed dressing gown.

"Willow, this had better be urgent... although, I hope not serious, of course," he stuttered awkwardly. He eventually registered Buffy's presence.

"Hello, Giles nice dressing gown," she said with a tired smile.

"Buffy...hello...come in come in... all of you go in the living room whilst I go and get dressed." He felt unable to say anything else despite having rehearsed this moment many times since Buffy had left.

Giles eventually came down stairs. He found Buffy huddled up in the corner of his sofa. The pose made her look even smaller than she was. Clearly something was up as not even Xander appeared his normal animated self. "It's good to see you again. How are you...?" He sighed. "I have numerous questions to ask which can all wait until later, I suppose." He looked to Willow, appealing for some guidance.

Willow returned his gaze. "Buffy didn't want to go straight home yet," she offered.

The Watcher looked back at his charge and was relieved to see that she was asleep, lying foetus like. "Willow w.. when did she come back? Why didn't you phone me? What is wrong?".

"Hey Giles... one W at a time," Xander interrupted. "we met at the bus station, by chance actually. Buffy got off the last bus and sort of crept out of the depot. I swear she would have hid in her own shadow if she could."

"But we followed her". Willow added slightly guilty.

"She acted strange from the outset; no smiles or fond reunion hugs. It was though she didn't want us to find her. I actually thought for a while that she was possessed."

Willow looked at Xander. "Did you think that as well? I wish you'd told me; I was thinking the same."

"Yeah, well ... I didn't fancy saying it out loud. It's bad enough having my own mind come up with such thoughts without having them agreed with. Two years ago my thoughts didn't stray beyond ...teenage things ...boy teenage things... you must remember those, Giles."

"Yes... yes I think I can just about recall, thank you."

"Back on track please boys." Willow interrupted. "Buffy acted strange and we expressed our concerns...she then broke down. It was terrible, Giles. I mean I've seen her distressed before, but never to the point where I've feared leaving her alone."

The three friends were jolted out of there conversation by Buffy crying out Angel's name. Xander instinctively went to her side and put his arms around her shoulders.

"Oh, Angel you're here," Buffy wept. "I'm so sorry, I had to do it. Please forgive me

please." she keened .

Xander eventually felt the weight or her body drag and he realised she had fallen back asleep. He was reluctant, however to relinquish his hold, despite the fact that he was only there as a pseudo Angel. Finally, satisfied that she wasn't going to wake, he laid her down.

"I think we can rule out possession," Giles said. "Mental trauma seems more the problem... Xander, you're bleeding," he added suddenly.

Xander jumped up quickly and examined himself. Willow was at his side in an instant, concern on her face.

"Where?... Oh my...no wait a minute there's no wound. It's just on my shirt... ewww... where did it come from ?"

"Oh no... Buffy." Giles noticed the origin of the blood.

They all looked down to see blood staining Buffy's blouse. It had been obscured previously by her jacket, the lining of which was also affected. Once again Xander was at her side. He carefully lifted her blouse slightly to reveal a violent wound below her right ribs. Willow gasped and Xander looked up at Giles, a child-like expression seeking reassurance from an adult. Suddenly Buffy awoke. She screamed and lashed out at the person holding her blouse, catching him a glancing blow to the head with her left hand that sent Xander toppling backwards.

"Buffy!" Willow screamed.

But she was on her feet and backing herself up to the door. "Don't any of you know the meaning of consent?" She shouted wiping her hands down her front frantically, making them worse in the process as they became coated in her own blood. She eventually noticed. "So much blood ...that shocked me." She said cryptically and slowly started to wipe her hands again. Giles started to move towards her but was stopped by her sudden glare at him.

"The wound, Buffy. How did you get the wound?" Willow asked trying to elicit a response.

Buffy looked down and calmly surveyed the mess that was her blouse and stomach, the two indistinguishable. "I got careless... staked a vamp without checking his hands first. Can I sit down Giles?" She asked politely, looking up her teacher. "My legs are a bit unsteady."

"We've got to get you to a hospital."

"No!" she cried. "No thank you," she added politely again.

"But your seriously hurt, Buffy. Don't be silly," Xander tried to reason.

"Xander is right," agreed Giles "you cannot stay here. You... you are in serious danger of..."

"I'm dying, Giles... at least I ... I would hate to think that all this pain and mess is for nothing. Please, Giles I would really like to sit down." Willow went to her side and led her back to the sofa. She lowered her

down. "Thank you."

"I'll go and boil some water to clean your wound," Willow offered.

"Yeah I'll ... help Willow." Xander and Willow left the room.

Giles went to hold Buffy's hand but again thought better of it. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.

"So hi, Giles. Tell me, what's been happening whilst the cat was away ?"

"...there's been a fair bit of activity with...with no slayer around."

Buffy nodded her head and winced slightly as the movement caused a wave of nausea. "LA was ... active as well. No surprising, I suppose being a city and all."

"Buffy this is ..." Giles floundered.

"Surreal?" Buffy offered.

"Why didn't you tell us about your injury?"

"I honestly didn't think it would take this long," she said absently, seemingly ignoring the question. "my damn slayer-strength kicking in to protect me. I've been wandering around aimlessly for three days. I've just had a thought," she said suddenly going off track. "I sent Angel to Hell. I mean there actually is a Hell right?" Giles nodded in silence. "That means there must actually be a Heaven... they sort of go as a set don't they? I wonder if I get an automatic pass, or is there a middle ground that all past slayers have to reside for past mistakes?" she paused and Giles did not feel able to bridge the gap. "Willow and Xander are taking a while... I guess that means the ambulance will be arriving soon, huh?"

Giles nodded. "I'm sorry, Buffy but you knew we couldn't watch you..."

"That's all right, Rupert. I'm a little disappointed but don't worry...no harm done"

Her eyes closed.

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter three **

**slip sliding away**

Her eyes opened to daylight streaming through white blinds in a white room. A calendar clock on the wall told her she had been there for three days. Buffy wanted to cry at the injustice but held back her tears when she saw she was not alone.

"Hi, mom."

"Buffy... how are you?" Joyce leant close to her daughter, the relief obvious in her expression.

"I don't know... how am I?"

"The doctors said you had lost a lot of blood... too much to normally have been still alive but that you would actually pull through now a transfusion has been done."

"Right."

"Your special powers obviously kept you alive."

"Yes." Buffy smiled. It made her sound like Supergirl. She was not that strong but, she thought, at least she had better fashion sense.

"Are you coming back home ?"

Buffy had to admire her mother's restraint; offering her a choice rather than assuming. It was as though she had become a consenting-adult over the summer break. It made her sad actually. Such recognition was normally strived for but, some part of her still wanted to be comforted as a child; innocence had somehow slipped her grasp.

"You mean you haven't rented my room out?" She quipped. Joyce smiled. "You know that I will have to continue my nightly patrols. It would be nice to be able to leave by the front door rather than the window. Don't look like that, mom," she added when Joyce put on a pained expression. "after all, not many people can say they have a job for life... and I don't really have to make pension contributions."

"I think you deserve to be allowed to retire."

"Yeah, well the retirement plan isn't too attractive," Buffy smiled weakly. "I actually thought about it seriously." Joyce raised her eyebrows in interest, missing the point. Giles obviously had not revealed everything. "But I was brought back from the brink...from the brink of making that decision," she added quickly.

"Well I think you should seriously consider it."

Buffy did not have time to respond as Xander and Willow entered the room. Joyce stood to leave. She kissed her daughter on the forehead. "I'll see you later." She took her hand in hers and gripped it gently.

Willow and Xander dragged chairs to her bed. Xander noisily.

"How are you feeling?" Willow asked.

"Sore ...but peachy."

"We won't stay long. Just wanted to see you awake."

"Yeah, and we brought you some food... chocolate and pastry products; hospital food can be so nourishing sometimes." Xander offered her a multi-pack of chocolate bars which Buffy noticed had already been opened.

"I hear they're going to let you out tomorrow," Willow attempted at conversation.

"Yes, although I'll be confined to indoors for a while. Which is just as well since I'm not welcome at school."

"Giles said he'd sort that out."

Buffy offered a smile. "... it was good of you both to come... I'm kind of tired at the moment."

Willow stood up "Oh... of course you are... we'll come back another time. Your mom should really be allowed more privacy with you."

"Goodbye guys" Buffy said .

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

It was another hot sunny day in the aptly-named Sunnydale when Giles decided to visit Buffy at home. He stubbornly wore his tweed suit despite the humidity. He missed the variety offered by English weather.

He was approaching Buffy's house and felt the need to swear. He truly wanted to see Buffy, but knew he had to get through her mother first. Joyce and Giles had exchanged few words since Buffy had ran away. Those few, however, had been painful and heated; Joyce laid the blame of Buffy leaving on his shoulders. She added to that the fact that she was a slayer, always in danger, kept secrets from her mother and not her librarian, was expelled from school and basically any other reason she could think of.

"Hi, Giles...Mr Giles," Buffy amended quickly when she saw her mother looking disapprovingly at the over familiarity of her welcome.

"Buffy, how are you?"

"You're lucky. You've caught me in remarkably good mood. I actually had three hours sleep last night. I'm practically euphoric" she rattled off in a quick flurry of apparent good humour.

"Good. Yes, good. I'm glad...I think." Giles was decidedly uneasy.

Buffy was in stark contrast to the frosty demeanour that Joyce was exhibiting. The younger woman offered a wide smile which made Giles feel even more awkward.

"Giles, you have awkward in large black letters written on your forehead," she said, the smile never fading.

"I... Perhaps I should return another time."

"Nonsense." Buffy walked up to him and kissed him above his eyes. She then wiped the kiss off with a light stroke of her hand. "There, that's better, all gone." She put her hands behind her back and stood back from him. "Let's go for a walk." She put her arm through his and practically dragged him into the sun.

Giles looked panicked from her to Joyce, but Buffy's mother was already closing the door. He followed Buffy on to the pavement. She looked up at the sky and twirled round, her arms out stretched. "Isn't it a lovely day?!"

He walked up to her. Her smile was infectious and he caught it willingly. "A good day I presume."

"I've decided it is, yes." She put her arm back into his and they both started to walk away from the house.

"Are the good days coming often?" Giles ventured to ask.

"They're not universal yet, by any means." She looked straight ahead as they walked. "It's a state of mind, I guess. The nights, however ...they're relentlessly grim." She looked up at Giles which caught him unawares. "I...I have some work to do there I think." she looked briefly haunted by something, but quickly smiled again. "I've decided today is good though. My favourite watcher has come to visit. Where have you been Giles?" She levelled an accusing finger at him in mock fashion. "I've missed you," she ended quietly.

Giles broke free from Buffy's hold and took off his glasses to rub his eyes. "I thought you might want some time to yourself."

"With mom." She looked incredulously.

"Well...yes...no...I mean you haven't been to the library since you got out of hospital. You are allowed back at school now, you know. Snyder... Principal Snyder... was forced to put you back on the register."

"I heard. One up for the powers of good."

"I have missed you as well. So have Willow and Xander and the others."

Buffy looked away at the mention of her friends. "Yes...well I'll be back soon. I'm still not too keen on crowds yet. Post traumatic... trauma and all that," she said in a quiet voice that contrasted starkly to her earlier cheerfulness.

Buffy quickly changed her mood again and skipped backwards looking towards Giles smiling. "Let's go and see Jenny," she said like a child suggesting a visit to the zoo.

Giles saw the cemetery gates up ahead and wanted very much to be in his library with his books. Regardless, they both walked through the gates and threaded their way around and over the gravestones silently. Buffy ran ahead when they were a few feet away from their destination. She stood over Jenny's grave, her eyes reading the letters carved on the stone. She then knelt down and smelt the flowers that were in bloom. She looked up at Giles.

"The weather has brought the best out in these. I thought the rain the other day would have knocked off all the petals."

Giles could not recall it having rained for some weeks. Buffy stood up and once again put her arm through Giles'. This time she rested her head against his shoulder. Her mood changing again.

"I am sorry. You know that don't you ?" She asked earnestly not looking him in the eye.

"Yes, I know." He put his arm round her. "You really mustn't blame yourself. None of us knew what would happen. Not even Jenny."

"Do you ever see her?" Buffy asked suddenly.

"I...I sometimes think I hear her voice. Telling me not be stuffy and ridiculously British."

"But...you never see her?" She asked again.

"Her ghost you mean? No. I mean I believe in ghosts and I have spent hours since her death reading about how and when they appear. But...I think she would have shown herself to me if she were still on this plain. The last time I saw her face was when I was being tortured by Angelus, but that was just Drusilla taunting me."

Buffy quickly separated herself from Giles' hold and stepped back. "Let's go somewhere else," she suggested. The smile back on her face.

Giles took a while to catch up with her further change of mood, but he allowed her to walk him out of the cemetery. They walked along the path for a fair way until they came to a park. Eventually, they picked a bench and sat down. Buffy sat back and soaked in the sun, her eyes closed to avoid the glare.

"Buffy." Giles tried to catch her attention. "Buffy," he said louder.

"Never fear, I'm still here," she responded with a grin.

"Buffy, we need to talk. The situation in Sunnydale is getting serious. Attacks on people are getting out of control..."

"I've been reading the papers, Giles and I plan to return soon. I note that the attacks are by gangs rather than individuals. Not very gallant of the vamps is it?"

Giles was impressed and relieved that Buffy had made the same point he had come to. "Yes I agree. With the Master and even Spike it was nearly always one on one... most of the time. Now it is more organised. We have tried to find out if there is any pattern or reason to it but we are always kept on our toes just trying to stay alive," he related.

"I'll go sneaking around. I'll not hunt yet though. I'm still a bit sore below the ribs and I don't think I could high kick just yet. If I can find out anything, such as where they are all sleeping, I'll ...I'll visit the library."

Giles nodded in acceptance. "That would be good. But be careful. Don't go out unless you feel absolutely fit and... tell your mother first."

Buffy smiled at the last remark and Giles smiled back. After a couple of minutes of silence, Buffy looked down at the ground. "How have Willow and Xander been?"

"More of the same. Xander fights with Cordelia whilst sticking close to her...the broom closet being the purported favourite location. Willow and Oz are inseparable. They all seem to spend half the time eyeing each other longingly and the other half criticising their partners."

"We're...they're teenagers, Giles," Buffy advised in mock disapproval of Giles' tone. "we concern ourselves with what is important and how our partners think of us is top of the list."

Giles sighed. "I feel sorry for teenagers. I do not understand what adolescence is for; you spend your teenage years judging people entirely on how they look and on how you might be perceived dangling from their arm. Like pretty much everything about being a teenager - spots, non-specific angst, a preoccupation with dark song lyrics, war and the calorie contents of Hershey Bars - this is an enormous waste of time."

During the tirade Buffy was struck dumb with shock and finally genuinely laughed out loud. "That was sublime," she commented. "and such a crappy thing to say. Oh, I've missed you Giles, I really have. If Xander were here now he would have torn you to shreds. Verbally that is. In only the way Xander can".

"Tell me about it. If you decide to leave town again I don't suppose you could take him with you. I feel every time he comments on something I do or say he is taking the mick...making fun of me that is."

"Always trust your feelings Giles." Buffy advised, still caught in the humour of the moment.

Giles made a show of resentment and feigned a hurt expression but not for long.

"I really have missed you Rupert." Buffy repeated after a few awkward moments of silence. "The title Watcher is really not sufficient. I so much wanted your guidance and support and ...and even your moments of exasperation when I did something stupid."

"Yes and I am sure you missed my stuffy library and tweed jackets and ...and my taste in music." Giles made an obvious attempt to lighten the mood this time.

Buffy stood up and offered Giles her hand. "Take me home."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy poured herself some orange juice and sat on a kitchen stool at the breakfast bar. Joyce entered the kitchen, a half empty glass in her hand.

"You're back I see."

Buffy looked around the kitchen and then to her mother. "Yep, never fear, I'm...back."

"Did you have a nice time with your friend?"

Buffy did not like the tone of her mother's voice and her expression turned dangerous. "Yes, we had a very

pleasant walk and a much needed talk. Have you a problem with that?"

"The way you flirted with him at the front door was disgusting."

"I was being friendly. Giles knows I mean nothing by it and, I might add, he needed some warmth to thaw that cold shoulder you gave him."

Joyce looked away, partly ashamed but not ready to admit it. "You don't seem to be taking the right things seriously. You should be trying to get better and going to school. You've missed so many lessons. If you're not careful you will end up a nobody with nothing to show for yourself."

"Well I won't drown like you, that's for certain." Buffy pointed to the glass in Joyce's' hand.

"Damn you Buffy!" she shouted, putting the glass down heavily. "You don't know what I've been through since you left..."

"No, mom I don't," Buffy interrupted, "but I can guess and...and I feel bad about it. I really do. But can you guess what I have been through? Can you in your most horrified imagination? No you can't," Buffy answered for her before Joyce could reply. "and it was just the latest in a long line of unimagined...horrors. It doesn't end. I've had friends die. Some in front of me. Some have come back only for me to have to kill them again, except the second time they're not really friends, just some grotesque marionette with their face. I've chopped off heads, skewered demons with swords. One time I practically sliced someone in half. They were all demons but, Mom, they had human faces. Faces the day before I saw in the supermarket or the cafeteria at school." She paused briefly. "It's been a bad year." She quipped finally with little humour behind it.

"I want to understand," Joyce pleaded. "I want to be there for you this year."

"I know. But, you'll see better without this." Buffy lifted the glass and then put it down again.

"OK, perhaps I am drinking to much."

"This isn't an AA meeting but I appreciate the effort," Buffy put on a peacemaking smile and they both hugged. "and I don't flirt." she added.

"All women flirt, Buffy."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy laid herself down. She so wanted not to sleep but needed it more. Fatigue won quickly and she found herself in a place she new as well as anywhere. A windowless room. She stood in front of the only door, which was closed behind her. Her eyes were fixed on the bed nestled in one corner. Two familiar figures were moving over the sheets in the slow motion that can only occur in dreams. Their passion was muted only by the slow care they took to finally discover what they had been searching for since they first met one dark night, months earlier. An age ago.

Buffy read the man's lips when he asked his question gently. She felt the brush of his hand as he lifted a lock of the girl's hair as though she herself were along side him again. She whispered the words of consent before the girl could reply herself.

She now lay on the bed. Beneath the vision. Part of it. Her eyes closed. She leant back to allow his slow kisses to brush her neck, her shoulder. She felt his hands trace their way carefully, almost reverently over her body.

Buffy opened her eyes only to find Angelus instead of Angel kneeling over her. His soulless eyes reflected her horror and his smile mocked her. She screamed. He stood up away from Buffy's bed, the scene had now shifted to her room. He was now fully clothed and laughing. Buffy leapt up and started throwing anything she could get her hands on. After what seemed ages, she realised that the morning sun was streaming through her curtains and the nightmare was gone. She then heard the sound of her mother's voice.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Cordelia pulled up outside Buffy's house. It was urgent, Joyce had said over the phone. She had almost pleaded with her to come. Why me? She thought. Probably just wants a lift to school. Try as hard as she could to be cynical, part of her was actually pleased to think that she was considered close enough a friend to call upon. None of her former circle had been as reliant or trusting. She realised, of course that she was probably the fourth to have been called. Willow, Xander and Giles had probably been unreachable. Hell, she was probably fifth behind Oz. But fifth was not so bad. It meant that she was at least part of a group of six people who cared for more than themselves.

She reached the door but was prevented from ringing the bell by Joyce opening it. Buffy's mother looked in a terrible state. There were dark rings under her eyes and, Cordelia thought, she really should do something to her hair.

"Oh, Cordelia, where have you been? I thought you were not going to come for a while there. I'm... I'm frantic with worry. She... Buffy wont let me in her room and the crashing and screaming..." She tailed off realising she was breaking down in front of a teenager. Making an obvious attempt to appear controlled, she stood back to let Cordelia in to the house.

She entered slowly, still shell shocked by Joyce's sudden attack on her senses.

"Things seem to be silent now," Cordelia pointed out. In truth, it was eerily quiet. Akin to the stillness after a storm or perhaps the lull before.

"It went quiet about five minutes ago" Joyce said, her eyes fixed on the curve of the stairs. "I think that's worse somehow. I'm frightened she might have hurt herself. Please go up to her Cordelia. I offered to call Willow or Xander or even Mr Giles but, she screamed no. So I thought of you. She didn't object to you"

Cordelia was intrigued. "I'll go upstairs." She said simply and extricated herself from the grateful eyes of the older woman.

"Buffy?" Cordelia called from the landing. Buffy's door was locked and the silence from behind it was worrying her no end. "Buffy, it's Cordelia. Let me in. Buffy let me in, damn you, I'm going to be late for school. "Buffy... please."

The door clicked and fell open slightly. Cordelia pushed it gently with the palm of one hand. When it was ajar sufficiently she walked in and saw Buffy slowly stepping backwards away from her. She was hugging herself tightly.

"It's all right," Buffy uttered faintly. "he's gone."

Cordelia resisted asking who and where.

"Welcome to my home," Buffy offered, spreading her arms out inviting Cordelia to survey her room, "make yourself...at". She sat on her bed.

"Buffy!" Cordelia cried in dismay, "What have you done to your things?" The room was a disaster zone; furniture was upturned and books, make up, and clothes were strewn everywhere. Cordelia surveyed the wreckage. " Oh Buffy, your clothes...oh, hey...could I borrow that?"

Buffy giggled like a child. Leaning back on her bed she curled up, her eyes watering. Downstairs, Joyce let out a sigh of relief at the sound and poured herself a much needed drink.

Buffy eventually stopped laughing and fell asleep with the effort amidst the carnage of her room. Cordelia cleared a space and sat beside the bed. She did not feel it was right to leave just yet.

An hour passed and Buffy's eyes opened. She did not move but, instead regarded the girl alongside her. Cordelia had eventually laid down next to Buffy to wait for her to stir.

"Hello Cordelia," she said in a friendly tone.

Cordelia nearly fell off the bed. "Buffy! You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry." Buffy sat up and looked around. "You could have at least tidied up a bit."

"I don't think so," Cordelia said with certainty.

Two hours later, though, they had put everything in a semblance of order. They did so in silence mostly which suited them both at the time. Afterwards, though, Buffy talked at length and Cordelia listened.

Two days later Buffy returned to school.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Giles, Xander and Willow were in the library. Giles paced up and down in front of the table the others were sitting at. They had been discussing Buffy again. A habit which had started when she left Sunnydale months before and had not stopped, despite her return.

"I don't seem to be able to get close to her any more," Willow added. "Nothing beyond pleasantries. I'd rather have nothing at all than that...except that I relish every pleasantry in the hope that the old Buffy will surface suddenly and wrap her arms around me and laugh and confide and talk about anything but the weather and studies." She stopped, realising she was meandering.

"Yea, well, you're lucky," said Xander. "I swear I haven't got within two feet of her without her flinching back two more."

The two friends and Giles fell silent for a few moments. Giles stopped pacing. "She seems to be getting on well with Cordelia," he noted.

"You don't have to tell me," Xander added, a note of exasperation in his voice.

"She's actually been round Buffy's house several times," Willow said, not hiding the hurt she felt. She had already lost Xander to Cordelia.

"Cordelia is pleasant enough," Giles continued, "but Buffy has never really shown much interest in socialising with her. They don't share the same interests surely, clothes excepting, I suppose, but Buffy is not that shallow to spend hours on that subject alone. No, she must provide something. We should talk to her... Cordelia that is, as we must resume our duties. Without Buffy that is impossible".

"I'm worried that Buffy will never be capable of resuming her duties." Xander added. "I swear she is emotionally unstable at the moment. Mad even springs to mind."

Willow and Giles looked at him and made sounds of disagreement at his suggestion. Xander's hypothesising, however, caused them to enter another period of silence until Willow finally spoke. "Cordelia wasn't with us the night Buffy returned."

"Come again?" Xander questioned.

"That night Buffy tried so hard to get us to leave her alone. I truly believe she wanted to die then and we betrayed her by calling the paramedics."

"We saved her life, Willow," Xander disagreed with her direction of thought. "If she wanted to die she could have laid on a park bench in LA and bled to death. Instead, she came back to Sunnydale. As a cry for help, if you like."

Willow shook her head. "It was a cry to leave her alone and go away. You remember her anger at us following her that night. My God, I bet she was heading for Angel's apartment to die."

"I don't agree... I don't agree,." Xander persisted but doubt plagued his determination. He looked for support from Giles who had remained silent.

"What do you think Giles ?" he asked hopefully.

Giles looked off to one side. "I'm a little disappointed," he said finally. The others looked at him puzzled. He turned to them as if he had only then realised their continued presence. "It's what she said when she realised where you had both gone. ^that's all right Rupert^ she said. ^I'm a little disappointed but...^" Giles looked haunted, "^no harm done^".

"She called you Rupert," Xander stated rather than asked.

"Her eyes closed afterwards and... and for an awful moment I though she had gone".

At that moment Buffy barged into the library taking them all by surprise.

"Hi Buffy," greeted Willow.

"Hi Wills," she replied quickly but looking straight at Giles with a dangerous look.

"Buffy... hello," he copied, noticing her mood straight away.

"Was it your idea that I see a psychiatrist?" Buffy shouted accusingly. "Was it your bright idea that prompted mom? What were you thinking of?" She continued, not allowing Giles to respond. "What made you think I would want to repeat all my problems to a complete stranger. It's bad enough that I live, sleep and dream them without having to regurgitate them out loud."

Giles recovered from his initial shock to speak. "It sometimes helps to be able to open your heart to someone and..."

"Granted... yes, but I can't do that can I, not without being carted away to a soft room. I can't tell him everything can I? I have to think through everything carefully before I can say anything, which is hardly cathartic is it? Oh, I drove a sword into my ex boyfriend and sent him to Hell... no, wait a minute, that better be my little secret. What about this one? My friend was killed by a vampiress from Hell, her throat slit...nope can't say that either. I was...I..." Buffy seemed to be on the verge of saying something else but paused a noticeable few seconds before finally continuing. "Oh yes... I was stabbed in the stomach by a vampire just before I dusted him...oh dear... would you like to wear this rather nice coat, don't worry about the lack of armholes." She finally stopped and leant against the wall as though the whole speech had drained her. "What were you thinking of ?" she said again quietly.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Giles said meekly.

Buffy stood up straight, "Well, next time you get an idea that, hey, you think might be a good one, think on it first."

"I think he gets the message Buffy," said Xander.

Buffy turned sharply to look at him, fixing him a gaze that would have felled a less brave individual. Xander had approached her and was now standing uncomfortably close. He was visibly angry at her attitude.

Buffy relented. "All I ask is that you think before you decide on something," she said finally in a more sedate tone.

"That's fine coming from a little girl who decided to have sex with a vampire. Did you think on that first?" Xander accused.

Buffy wheeled round and slapped him hard across the face, holding back nothing. Xander toppled back with the force of the strike.

"You mock the only moment of happiness I had," she shouted down at his face. "Damn you!" She yelled and turned round to face a stunned Willow and Giles. "And I swear the next person to call me a little girl will regret the day." She took a deep breath to stop herself from shaking, without success, however. She put a hand over her mouth and shut her eyes, eventually steadying herself. "Damn it, Xander are you all right ?" she asked.

"I'll survive," he replied, "I should be grateful really. It's the first physical contact I've had with you since you returned."

Buffy winced at the remark. She offered him her hand and lifted him up from the floor. "Angering a slayer in a bad temper isn't that bright," she said smiling.

"Yea, well I guess I'm Mr Impulsive," he returned the smile sensing something like their old friendship breaking the surface.

"Right" Buffy said decisively, "I think we all agree that I have issues to resolve with myself. In the meantime, I've decided to resume my patrols. It's getting to the point that people are afraid to party any more"

"Are you sure ?" Giles asked.

"Very."

"But...my research into why the vampires are massing is not complete... I could be on the verge..."

"Giles...you may on the verge but I'm on the edge. If I don't start patrolling soon I'm going to start getting agoraphobic about cemeteries and large open mausoleums, which would be kind of a hindrance for a slayer. Besides," she added "the reason they're amassing is probably because there are so many around. I mean there hasn't been a slayer about whittling away at their numbers lately, has there ?"

Giles fought the temptation to argue and, as if on impulse, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "All right...if you feel you are ready... but we will accompany you."

"No," Buffy said abruptly. "I'll be fine alone...really."

There followed an awkward silence. Made more because such a thing hardly ever occurred between them. Xander was admittedly pre occupied with feeling his jaw for any signs of reduced movement. The thought of not being able to chew was quite disturbing. As normal, it was Willow who broke the silence.

"Buffy, what happened to you in LA?"

Buffy looked to her friend. "I... I got a job and slew a load of vampires, and I got stabbed in the stomach. End of story." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Little girl?" Willow asked.

Buffy's expression briefly turned to anger but changed when she realised it was a question and not a remark. "I just don't like being called that, that's all. It's patronising. It's condescending." She almost spat out the last word.

Willow was not to be deterred from her goal. "If we knew what was troubling you we could understand better what you were going through. We could..."

"Maybe I don't want to explain. Maybe there's nothing to reveal."

Willow stared straight at Buffy, challenging her to deny anything was wrong.

"Please Willow," Buffy pleaded.

"What's up, Buffy, can you only talk to Cordelia about this? Are we not considered good enough any more? Surely we deserve some sort of consideration after all we've done." Willow was deliberately chipping away at Buffy's defences to initiate a response. She felt guilty and knew she would feel worse when she was alone tonight. But she needed to know.

"That's cruel. I didn't think I needed to state my affections for you"

"What happened?" Willow repeated resolutely.

Buffy sighed and sat on the nearest chair. She closed her eyes as if it made remembering easier. "I was attacked on the way to work one evening. He dragged me into an alley." She rubbed her eyes. "I was so tired. Tired of ghosts visiting me, taunting me and cajoling me as to what my duty was, my role in life. I was so tired," she repeated. "Endless nights of hunting and slaying. Sleepless nights. I didn't struggle. I let him knock me to the ground and...and I laid myself open to be taken into oblivion." She smiled and looked straight at Willow. "I welcomed the prospect. To be able to finally rest. The thought was quite intoxicating," she said with relish. "But... it never arrived".

Willow looked puzzled.

"You don't get it do you?"

"It wasn't a demon who attacked you," said Giles.

"Full marks to the Watcher," Buffy aimed at Giles. Willow finally realised.

"I naturally broke free," Buffy continued. "I wasn't that far gone. I managed to throw him back and get to my feet. I grabbed the first thing I could to strike out at him. One of my stakes would you believe. I lashed out." she made a sweeping motion with her hands to illustrate her action. There followed a brief pause. She looked down at the floor. "It swept across his throat. There was so much blood. When I slay demons they turn to dust but, he just stood there... for an age it seemed...blood pouring. I wasn't such a little girl after all," she said with a determination in her voice.

Willow closed the gap between them and offered out her hands. Buffy responded to the gesture by taking Willow's hands in her own. Then, relinquishing hold of one hand, she gently brushed Willow's hair behind one ear. "Dear Willow," she said eventually with sad affection, "I only need time. We'll soon be both laughing and joking in the face of adversity again."

She looked over at her other friend and laughed gently. "Oh, Xander, if you keep moving your jaw like that it'll stick and I may have to hit you again to dislodge it"

Xander stood dead still. "Hey, I only turn my cheek once. No one gets a second strike at Xander Harris. Unless they catch me first of course".

Buffy started to back away from him and Willow. "I really should be going now to prepare myself for tonight. You know, sharpen pieces of wood etc. I'll report back tomorrow morning, Giles," she said looking in his direction.

Giles had deliberately kept his distance from the students as they bonded. He had any number of questions to ask and advice to give but sensed Buffy's need to extricate herself from the scene. He thought, though, that the healing between them had made a good start.

Buffy left the library. Willow walked up to Xander and wrapped her arms around him, nestling her head on his shoulder. Xander, for a moment, stood awkwardly until he eventually wrapped his arms around his oldest friend in support.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy sat on the couch, back straight and her hands rested in her lap. She refused to lie down. The psychiatrist looked over his glasses at her.

"So you say the good days are out numbering the bad now?"

Buffy nodded wordlessly.

"But the nights are still bad?" He continued.

Buffy nodded again and turned her head to look out the window. A desperate need to be somewhere else clawed at her mind.

"What you need to do is ascertain what differentiates a good day from a bad one. Then apply the aspects of it to a bad night. Tell me," the psychiatrist said drawing Buffy's attention back to his face. She looked down at her hands. "Tell me, what makes a good day good and a bad day bad?"

Buffy looked up and stared through him to the door behind. She thought carefully and at length. "A good day has no rain and a bad day is when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been," she quoted not knowing whether the doctor would notice it as such.

"...the nearer your destination

the more you're slip sliding away."

(Paul Simon)

to be continued.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter four **

**fences**

Buffy faced off the vampires. There were six in all. They spread out with a confident leer on their faces as though the inevitable fight would be easy; just a minor skirmish on their way to whatever destination they had in mind. Buffy had been hunting most of night and found nothing until now. She was just outside the zone of Sunnydale designated for warehouses when she was confronted by the group before her.

"Hello, little girl. Tell me, have you ever thought what it would be like to die?" One said matter of factly.

The others laughed. Buffy could not help thinking they were like a bunch of thugs; confident in a group, but when cornered alone would soon change their stance.

"Funny you should say that," she replied. She took out one of her stakes and eyed the group, carefully assessing which demon would be easiest. A quick kill might just make the others a little less sure. The vampire who had previously spoken looked visibly impressed.

"I see you come prepared," he noted. "I would love to ask why you carry a stake with you but, you know, places to go people to see."

"This wont take long," Buffy added.

"Are you really that ready to die?"

"Yes," she responded simply and ran to the weakest looking demon and kicked him below the belt. As he doubled over, she kicked his nearest approaching neighbour in the face and staked the first one with an upward motion of her right arm. The others, coming out of their momentary shock at the sudden attack on their comrades approached as one.

Buffy charged them like a berserker and collided with one, causing him to topple back under his and her combined weight. She wasted no time in staking him quickly and rolling off just in time to double kick another several feet out of the immediate death zone. She back flipped into a standing position to face three vampires who were by now less sure of the final outcome, having seen the odds reduced so suddenly. Anger, however, kept them coming.

The middle demon rammed into Buffy as she had done to them earlier. This time she fell backwards to the ground. However, the vampire vanished in a fine powder when he fell onto the stake Buffy held out to catch him on. Momentarily blinded by the death dust, she was unable to avoid the stinging kick to her side delivered by one of the remaining vampires. However, his mistake was to go for a second kick only to see the sky flip over his head as Buffy grabbed his legs and whipped the ground from beneath him. He was no threat soon after and would certainly have lain unconscious from a cracked skull where he landed if Buffy had not leapt on top of him and pierced his heart.

The other demon who was still standing came to his senses and ran from the scene. Buffy looked at his back retreating in disgust and was a little disappointed. She then looked puzzled as though something was not right. She had to go over the fight in her head as there were no bodies to count. She saw the cause for her concern lying several feet away; the missing sixth vampire.

"There you are. I knew I wasn't that good."

Still kneeling on the ground where she had staked vampire number four, Buffy observed number six calmly. She took deep breaths and watched for any sign of movement. Finally, she rose and walked up to him. It was the vampire who had spoken to her earlier. He awoke and sat up only for Buffy to kick him half senseless again. She lowered herself down and sat on the demon, just above the tops of his legs and rested her feet on his arms to prevent him from using his limbs. He awoke again. Buffy had to admire the way he did not flinch at finding himself in such a vulnerable position. She rested the point of a stake on his shirt, just above his heart and wiggled it with one finger, almost teasingly.

"You know, that wasn't much of a fight back there. Don't you people take lessons. Have you ever thought what it would be like to die," she mimicked with a humourless chuckle. "And what are you doing wandering around in gangs?" She added. The vampire eyed her silently. "You know? It's really sad. I've always thought there was a kind of nobility in your kind. No dress sense but noble all the same. But gangs are so passé."

"Are you finished? As much as I like having you sitting astride me, I would much rather you staked me than talk me to death."

"Don't be rude," Buffy said reproachfully. "You see, that's your problem. You are all bravado and no finesse. A girl wants to be wooed. To be made to feel appreciated." Buffy paused, observing her nemesis. "Did anyone ever tell you, you have nice eyes?"

"What?" The demon replied momentarily taken aback by the abrupt change of subject.

"Your eyes. They're quite an attractive feature." She stood up and brushed the dust from the earlier kills from her blouse. "You can go," she said not looking at him. As if she were dismissing a pupil from detention.

The vampire got to his feet slowly, suspicious of the slayer's intent. "I'm not going to run from you, little girl and I'd rather not be staked in the back. I know that I'll lose but I would prefer a clean fight."

"I won't chase you or shoot you in the back," Buffy said with a smile. "And don't keep calling me a little girl."

"Why are you letting me go?" He asked. "It can't be because of my eyes. Not even the previous occupant of this body ever had his eyes commented upon."

"Call it slayer's prerogative."

"OK then, I'll trust you. But be careful, others may not show as much gratitude as me."

At that, he turned around and true to his word, did not run but, rather walked away at a sedate speed.

Buffy's attention did not linger on the retreating vampire. She observed the stake in her hand. "Oh," she said as if surprised, "a spare".

From the trees nearby, within sight of the scene but beyond earshot, three observers crouched in silence. One of them, however, was close to rage and having trouble containing it. Giles, Willow and Xander had followed Buffy at a safe detection-proof distance to satisfy themselves that she was fully recovered enough to re start her patrols. Giles could not contain himself any longer.

"What was she thinking of?" He barely whispered his rage. "She let him go. I'll beat some sense into her."

"But, what for?" Willow asked. "We're not here, remember. Besides, you don't mean that and if you did, you'll have to go through me first."

"I'll... I'll think of something before tomorrow. I swear she will not do that again"

"Xander, why don't you and Giles head home." She looked at Xander pleadingly. "I'll go to Buffy and get her to walk me back to my house."

Xander took the hint and Giles, making an ungentlemanly remark that nearly caused him to change his mind, agreed to accompany him.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy was by now sitting on a bench near the fight scene. She was sitting up straight with her hands resting on her legs. She looked straight ahead with a confused frown on her face as though she was turning over a multitude of thoughts. Willow approached from behind the bench.

"Hi Wills, couldn't sleep?"

Willow ignored the fact that Buffy had not turned round to see who was approaching. "No," she replied as matter-of-factly as she could summon, "too humid. You?"

"Just finished dealing with a group of old friends."

"Any problems?"

Buffy still gazed ahead. "None at all. Not even a close challenge to my invincibility." She smiled.

Willow tried another track. "Are you sleeping all right these days?"

"Every night without fail," she responded with a light heartiness that did not ring true.

"Bad dreams, huh?"

Buffy finally looked round. "Kind of Freddie Krueger-like, yeah." She got up. "Come on, I'll walk you home."

Willow stood up and was pleasantly surprised when Buffy put her arm in hers and lead the way. It was such an unexpected thing that Willow stared at her as they walked along the path towards her home.

Willow racked her brains to think of something to say. She did not want to waste this opportunity. It was the first time they had been alone together for months. "You seem seem to be getting on with Cordelia these days," she said finally. It was all she could think of at the time and she truly wanted to get this off her chest anyway.

"She's...she's not like we thought. She was there when I needed her. Don't look at me like that Wills. I wasn't ready to open up to you or Xander at the time," Buffy added quickly when Willow showed that childlike expression of hurt.

"I thought I had lost you. Like I have Xander."

"Oh, Willow you haven't lost Xander. Or me, I might add. What you have with him is beautiful. As much as I love you and I adore Xander, I'd never have what you have... which makes me sad."

"But, Buffy... we love you. You're the sister we never had. Well, actually with Xander it probably goes a little further but..."

"Don't get me wrong, Willow. I feel your love every day. What I'm saying is that you and he have something special. It shouldn't be risked with a casual relationship. Let's face it, teenagers aren't known for their life-long relationship commitment." She frowned. "Wow, I'm starting to sound like Giles. Anyway, Cordelia's good for Xander and vice verse. If nothing else, it makes for scintillating viewing. I've never seen a couple fight against getting involved so much and lose every time."

"Still," Willow said, "I've spent my whole life longing for the time Xander and me would finally get together. I tell you, when I saw him in those Speedos..."

"Yeah, well that was ...interesting," Buffy agreed.

"Can you say you've never thought what it would be like to..."

"Never. Willow... Angel was my obsession. I lived, ate and slept his image in my mind. I still do. The fact that we finally slept together makes it infinitely worse. Unlike you, I know what I'm missing. I assure you, having the memory is a curse. I'd give anything to have just the unfulfilled desire... with the innocence that goes with it." There followed a lengthy silence. "So where's Oz?" Buffy asked eventually in a teasing manner.

"Oh, he's on tour...well he's playing the local basketball celebration party tonight and in a couple of days he'll be performing at a 21st birthday party. I'll see him at the weekend though."

"Any smooches lately?" Buffy pressed.

Willow did not mind as this was beginning to feel like one of their long-lost conversations that she had yearned to have again. She blushed though at Buffy's probing question. A lovely shade of red that caused Buffy to laugh out loud. Willow would have given money for an encore.

"We indulge," she replied. "I'm working on him, shall we say. He wrote and performed a song dedicated to me the other night," she said proudly.

"Oh yeah, the Lovestruck Dog wasn't it?"

"No! The Hound of Love."

"That's the one."

"It was a metaphor... for our relationship."

"I got that much. I think you are closer than you think to..."

"Oh Buffy, do you think so?" Willow cut in excitedly. "Do you really think so? Oh Buffy, I've got such butterflies I haven't been able to finish a meal for a week."

"Willow, I was there. I listened to the lyrics. As a metaphor, it wasn't that subtle." At that moment they reached Willow's house. "On that note, I think we should part company."

"Uh... thank you, Buffy...for escorting me home."

"No problem." Buffy leant forward and kissed Willow on her forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said. "Oh, and eat something do. It'll give Oz the wrong idea if you faint on him," she closed with a smile.

"Buffy." The slayer turned round. "It was nice talking to you again. I've missed you...to talk to...about stuff. We should do it more often like we used to."

Buffy smiled encouragingly.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy walked into the library the following morning, almost skipping with confidence. Xander and Willow were sitting in their positions at the table. Willow in front of the only PC in the room. Giles was up the short flight of stairs examining a book. He looked over his glasses as Buffy ascended the stairs and stood by him.

"Hello, Giles and how are you?" She asked genuinely good humoured.

"Buffy," he acknowledged her presence.

Undeterred, she kept her relaxed tone. "I went hunting last night. First time."

"How did you do?"

"Not bad, thank you for asking. Sniffed some demons out, kicked butt, returned to see another day. The usual."

"Nothing out of the ordinary then?" He asked ominously.

Buffy only betrayed mild confusion. She did not notice Willow rise from her seat.

"Well they weren't much of a challenge really," Buffy offered. "They seemed very amateur. If it weren't for their facial features I could..." She did not get the opportunity to finish.

"Damn you, girl! You know what I mean." Buffy visibly flinched. So unexpected was the attack. "Don't you dare lie to me. We were there."

"Giles, please," Willow said from below.

"You let him go! You had him pinned down and you let him go," he said the last three words slowly to emphasise his anger. "What possessed you, girl?"

Buffy had moved back a step as Giles had moved forward one. "I...I...I don't really know why. It seemed...humane," she said meekly.

"Humane!" That made Giles more inflamed. "How can you show humanity to something that isn't human? Will he show humanity to his next victim. He probably fed on someone after you let him go. Humanity didn't come into it. Stupidity more like. What you did borders on the criminal don't you see that?"

"You were there?" Buffy said incredulously realising the fact that she had been followed and finally daring to speak. She stared at Willow who was about to say something.

"I tell you, I have disagreed with the others until now. But, not any more...you really are going insane!"

The volume of the final words caused Buffy to step back again. Not realising she was already on the edge of the stairs, she fell backwards and tumbled to their base. "Rupert..." she almost pleaded looking at him, shock, hurt and fear competing for control of her face. She looked over to Willow again as well and slowly pulled herself up. Giles was shocked out of his temper by the fall and made to approach Buffy. She flinched back again, fear winning over. "I...I have to be...somewhere" she stammered and fled the library.

Giles walked slowly down the stairs. A look of contrition on his face. He turned to Willow and was about to mouth her name. Willow, however, had already made up the distance between them and, with the full force she could muster, slapped him across the face and left to see if she could catch her friend.

Despite her small frame, the slap had hurt a lot. Giles did not lift his hand to feel the red mark that was bound to be forming on his face. He looked to Xander who had not uttered a sound since Buffy had entered the library. He stayed silent. His expression unreadable.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Willow entered the corridor and looked in the direction Buffy had fled. She could not see her. However, on seeing two students crouching down picking up their dropped books, she had a good guess where she had gone. She set an equally fast pace through the school and entered the courtyard. The Sun shone, which to Willow seemed infinitely inappropriate. She saw Cordelia.

"Cordelia, have you seen Buffy?"

"Yes I have. What on earth has happened? Have you upset her? I swear, if you have you'll be sorry."

"It's complicated," Willow interrupted. "Will you go to the library please, Cordelia. Xander and Giles are there."

"Yeah? All right then. Buffy went to the front steps, by the way"

Willow thanked her and raced off. She finally saw her friend sitting towards the bottom of the stone steps that led up to the school entrance. She slowly approached Buffy and sat herself next to her. "Are you OK?" She asked.

"No, not particularly," Buffy looked straight ahead. She then turned to look at Willow. "What's up, Wills can't sleep? A bit humid?"

Willow ignored the remark. "Buffy, why did you let him live?"

Buffy returned her gaze to the road. "I don't really know why. I don't normally have trouble staking demons. No remorse or guilt. Still don't actually. But, at that moment, I didn't really feel like it." Buffy turned towards her friend and smiled. "He had nice eyes...for a blood-sucking ghoul he had exquisite eyes."

"You looked at his eyes? Bad move."

"I couldn't really avoid them. I was sitting on top of him, remember ?"

"So you let him live because he had nice eyes," Willow stated.

"No...of course not... I don't know why, Willow. Maybe it was just a thimble full of humanity or... stupidity. Willow?" she asked suddenly. "Do you think I'm going mad... insane?"

Willow was momentarily caught off guard. "That was something else I didn't want you to hear."

"Don't avoid the question," Buffy said.

"If you need to seek assurance, it means you must have some doubts..."

"Stop side stepping!" Buffy yelled, standing up and looking down at her. "It's a simple question. Am I mad or aren't I?"

"You are not mad Buffy. But, you're on a precipice looking down."

Buffy sat back down next to Willow. "Sometimes I feel like jumping off. My life is...my head is so full of things that I would rather not have in there." She started to tap her leg quickly and seemed unaware she was doing it. She then stopped and clenched her fist as though to hold herself steady. "I can still remember his touch," she said wistfully. "That night was so beautiful yet...it was the last night... until."

"Until?" Willow prompted.

"Until I pushed the sword into his body." Buffy put her hands to her face. "Oh, Angel...my beautiful Angel. If I could have done it another way."

"Buffy...Buffy, Angel was already gone by then. You didn't kill him..."

"But I did, don't you see? Your damn spell worked, Willow."

Willow looked in horror at what Buffy was revealing. "I... I didn't know," she said meekly. "You must think your life ended at that moment."

Buffy laughed humourlessly. "My life ended when I turned sixteen. All I wanted was to be head cheerleader and marry Luke Perry. Not too lofty a set of ambitions. It wasn't as though I wanted to save the world or anything...which is pretty ironic considering I've done just that. Eat your heart out Alannis." She smiled again but with more feeling. "Giles was pretty mad huh?"

"He'd had all night to stew on it," Willow admitted.

"I really should go back to the library, but...oh hell, Willow, he was really pissed off."

Willow looked sheepish. "I really don't think you have anything to worry about. But let's both of us go, huh?"

They both stood up and walked back in the direction of the library. Willow was happy that Buffy had recovered, but equally concerned that the changes of mood came and went so quickly. It was hard to rejoice at her friend being good humoured when over the next horizon another precipice could be waiting.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

They both entered the library. Buffy did not notice Willow holding back.

"Giles... I ..." the Slayer started nervously.

"Buffy...ah...how are you...you are all right aren't you?" Giles stammered.

"Well, I'm a bit offended I suppose but...oh...you mean..." she looked at the stairs. "Oh, no problem. I've had longer and harder falls than that and...Giles what is wrong with your face? Oh my God, I didn't do that did I...Giles, I'm..."

"Don't worry Buffy...that was me," Willow confessed, coming round to the front to face Giles.

Buffy sighed but came out of her sense of relief quickly. "Willow!"

"Well I was angry...still am actually." She looked at Giles. "And I'm not going to say sorry cos' I'm not...except that I am really..."

"Don't worry, Willow," Giles rescued her from the hole she was digging.

"Surely you would remember if you had hit Giles," Xander said in the direction of Buffy. She noticed him sitting on the table with Cordelia very close.

"You would think, yes. But, hey, consensus isn't that confident on my ability to string two words together."

"Buffy...what I said before," Giles added "about you being..."

"Mad, insane...Oh don't look so worried. Those lines on your face will stay like that if you don't relax them," Buffy said with no venom in her voice. "Let's just say I'm a bit unstable at the moment and leave it at that. My psychiatrist says I have promise."

"Well if you ask me, I say you are completely loopy," Cordelia added.

Buffy laughed out loud. "Thank you, Cordy for that vote of confidence."

Xander looked at the girl beside him with renewed respect and a little jealousy. There was obviously a bond between the two girls.

"We really ought to get down to business," Buffy stated. "Shall we meet at lunch time to discuss how we are going to tackle the vampire gangs...you remember them don't you?"

"Yes...good idea...lunch time then," Giles agreed.

"What," Xander objected "no more bonding? I want to bond with my friends a bit more...I feel the need I really do," he continued hopefully, his gaze not too carefully kept away from Cordelia.

"What's up Xander?" she asked "Forget your homework again?"

to be continued


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Five **

**resolutions**

"Mmmmmm," the vampire sniffed the air in front of him as though savouring a scent. "smells like...teen spirit," it said menacingly.

Buffy raised her eyebrow. "Kudos for the pop reference," she said.

She had been searching the warehouse district again and, having found what she had been looking for, was heading home for the night. Until she had come up against a group of vampires.

"Thank you. My host body was a fan. I actually took him at a concert, which is kind of ironic, don't you think ?"

"Oh, I really do think," Buffy countered.

"What do you say we fight to the death?" the vampire offered.

"Is there any other way?"

The two protagonists circled each other until the other vampires that were present turned it into an unfair advantage. To an untrained eye that is. However, Buffy was more than able to dispatch three with crippling kicks to their knee caps and groins, followed by plunges of her stake. She was by now in the midst of the group, fighting attacks from behind and to the side.

"Not long now," she spoke out loud and, in the frenzy of sweat and dust, she started to laugh. Soon, however, it was over. The last demon was scattered over a prone Buffy. She lay there for a while. A look of disappointment briefly written on her face. She then got up off the ground, brushing herself down. Picking out a handful of death dust, that had deposited itself in the top pocket of her blouse, she held out her hand to let the night breeze filter it through her fingers. "Vampire dust...sheer nirvana," she laughed out loud. "Oh, come on. That was funny," she shouted to an unseen audience. "At least witty," she offered.

Giving in, she walked away from the scene and was confronted by the vision of Jenny. Buffy stood hands on hips. "I knew someone would be there." The ghost stood silent. "Are you satisfied? Happy?" Buffy said. "The grass over there is covered an inch thick with dust." There was still no response. Buffy's confidence melted away. "Speak to me, dammit," she said with a last attempt at control. "Talk to me. Please. I came home. I..." Determination then came back, "You'll not stop me," she added. "I will do it."

Jenny disappeared. Buffy let out a sigh as though she had been holding her breath the whole time. She brushed her hand over her face; fatigue evident. "I have to do it". She stood there looking at the space Jenny had occupied.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

After-school hours found the gang gathered round the table in the school library. Giles paced as usual. Buffy sat slouched in a chair waiting for instructions from her watcher. The others seemed lost in their own worlds. Xander bickered with Cordelia and vice verse, although this had the appearance of an act now as it was obvious that a sense of joint attraction had set in. Willow was being more obvious with Oz; playfully holding his hands as if the shy reserved teenager had never existed. Giles was agitated.

"No...I fail to see how we can come off well...or...alive even from this plan." Giles stammered, flustered that he could not come up with alternative option to the one Buffy had suggested. She had put forward the proposal that they simple raided the known lair of the gang of demons that had been raiding en-masse various places around Sunnydale. She had found the lair the night before. "It is a no-win situation."

"Giles, it's always been a no-win. There is, has and always will be too many vampires for me to fight. This only-one-slayer thing is a farce. Each of us makes do until we die or as per normal are killed. Then a replacement comes along and picks up where the other left off. We are doomed from the start but continue anyway in the knowledge that to take handful of demons down with us is better than none at all."

"You'll have to forgive Buffy" Xander added, "they showed Spartacus on cable last week.."

"There must be another way," Giles persisted.

"There are two other ways: kill a few vamps each night, which is a waste of time as the others will be able to replace them at a rate faster than I can kill, or I go it alone and raid their den".

"Neither of those are satisfactory," Giles stated firmly.

Cordelia sighed loudly. "How did I ever become mixed up with you losers? All I ever wanted was be head cheerleader and marry Jason Priestly."

"Oh, Cordy." Buffy said affectionately. "I think you are probably the bravest of us all."

"Yea right, for brave see also stupid."

"No, never stupid. Vain and sometimes self-centred perhaps, but never stupid."

Xander was proud that his girlfriend had practically agreed to join Buffy on their latest trip into danger and had by doing so committed the others. "So the Magnificent Seven...six ride." He declared.

"Good analogy but one small problem" Oz noted quietly.

"Yea, right. They were all men," Cordelia commented.

"Two small problems." Oz looked over at her. "The second being that only three survive. If I can come as Steve McQueen, I'm basically OK with it though."

Xander looked at the faces of his friends. "Well you try and come up with a film where no one dies. I mean, someone dies in Love Story for crying out loud... OK, I know, Xander be quiet."

Cordelia gave her partner a kiss on the cheek. "Don't worry, Xander. It's in your bungling nature that our affection for you festers."

"Can I bring us back to reality here?" Giles interjected. "The six of us will have to face very unfavourable odds."

"Would it make them better if we chose the next full moon to attack?" Oz offered.

"Hey wait a minute," Xander butted in. "I love you, guy but I don't somehow think that you love me so much as to skip a meal."

Willow gave him a sharp look.

"Xander has a point," Giles added "we cannot risk releasing a werewolf that we cannot control."

"Werewolves can be led by someone who it regards as its mate." Oz persisted. "It will protect her above all else and I think that a den full of demons would be considered enough of a threat to get it worked up."

Willow jumped up. "Yes and I could make Oz think I was in real danger by acting terrified around the vampires, which would be really easy since I basically am when one is around and...I...I am the mate...right?" Willow looked at Oz.

Oz took her hand and kissed it in confirmation. Even Cordelia smiled at the gesture. Giles looked embarrassed and sad at the same time. Buffy knew he was thinking of Jenny and she felt his loneliness keenly.

"The next full moon is tomorrow evening," said the only adult in the room, "and I am not going to agree to this plan until I have had a chance to study my books on werewolf lore. In the mean time I suggest you all practice on the cross bow. We will want to avoid hand to hand combat as we, Buffy excepting, are not that well versed in it."

"Oh goody," Cordelia said with mock enthusiasm, "cross-bow practice. How... medieval."

"I'll stay with Giles and read up," Buffy offered. Giles looked over his glasses in surprise. "What? I do read you know."

The others left Buffy and Giles alone. They all had an air of excitement not really appropriate to the occasion.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Quite a while later, so much so that Buffy had long since regretted her offer to help, Giles stood up suddenly.

"Oh... oh dear," he said mysteriously.

"What's up?" Buffy said with a worried expression. "What have you found? What's wrong?"

Giles eventually noticed that Buffy was still there. "Oh nothing wrong... or nothing dangerous. Don't worry."

"Too late, Giles I've worried." She looked at the book Giles had put down. "Does that say something?"

"Uh...yes...no. I mean..."

Buffy put on a sour expression, picked up the book and read the passage in front of her to herself. "Oh," she said, almost mimicking Giles. She smiled gently. "Oh, Willow. My beautiful Willow." A tear slowly fell. She looked up at Giles.

"I didn't know," he said quietly, his voice breaking.

"You're not going to cry are you, Rupert?" Buffy said with true affection for her watcher.

"I wont if you don't," he responded. "I understand what a parent must feel like when he realises his child has grown up."

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Some time later, Willow lay with her head rested on Oz's chest. His arms wrapped round her.

"Wow, that was a diary moment," she said. "a double-pager," she added mischievously.

"I didn't mean for this to happen like this, you know?" Oz said quietly.

"Like what exactly?"

"You know, suggesting and committing you to be protected by me and then revealing that there was only one way that the bond could be achieved."

Willow lifted her head from his chest and flashed one of her smiles that had originally hooked Oz all those months ago. "Don't feel so guilty, silly." Oz looked puzzled. "Did you think I wouldn't do some research before dating a werewolf?"

"Do you mean you knew all along this would be required?"

"Of course I did. I nearly fell of my chair when you suggested to the others that a werewolf can only be controlled by its mate."

Oz looked at his lover with an increased sense of pride and not a little fear. Both forgotten, however, by that smile again.

" -Breathe gently on love

do not disrupt the

Feather-thin covers that protects

The young lovers"

(Tracy Watt )

**Chapter six **

**the inner light**

"Voices dropped in yearning

memories trapped in time.

The night is my companion

and solitude my guide.

Would I spend forever here

and not be satisfied.

Into this night I wander.

Its morning that I dread

another day of knowing of

the path I fear to tread.

Oh into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride

nothing stands between us here

and I wont be denied.

and I would be the one

to hold you down

kiss you so hard

I'll take your breath away

and after, I'd wipe away the tears

just close your eyes...

(Possession - Sara McLachlan)

Buffy walked to the end of the path leading from her front door. She looked back at her house. She had never liked it, in all honesty. It represented a foot hold, a man-trap holding her to Sunnydale. Her mother being the lure. Without her mother she would leave at the drop of a hat. It was almost enough to make her consider hating her.

"Almost but not quite," she said quietly.

She looked at her new weapon; a five foot long, thick curtain pole. Both ends had been sharpened to points. She had covered the staff with a blanket to avoid any unwanted stares.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The van pulled up a few hundred yards into the warehouse district. Giles took the keys out of the ignition and sellotaped them under the glove compartment for easy access, should they need to leave in a hurry and in case he lost them outside. He got out of the van and was followed by Willow from the other door. From inside the van growls and violent scratches could be heard from the werewolf/Oz. Willow looked up at the night sky; the full moon was out in all its glory. They had waited three days for this night, the third night of the full moon.

"The others haven't got here yet, I see. They are coming, right?" Willow suddenly felt nervous at being this close to the supposed vampire den. Despite her growing confidence at her Wicca abilities and with Oz as a protector, she needed Buffy there to bolster her courage.

"Hi guys," Xander said from nearby. "Where's Oz?" His answer came from the van; the wolf slammed itself against the inside panels trying to get out. This was a new voice and a potential threat to its mate. Xander jumped a foot in the air and what looked like two feet to the side. An impressive feat, Willow thought. "Sorry I'm late," he said, regaining some composure.

"I don't know why you walked. You could have travelled with Giles, Oz and me in the van. Giles drove," Willow added. Her driving was only marginally better than Buffy's.

"What, the Mad Dog and the Englishman? No thank you. I took my chances with the vampires and Cordelia." Cordelia joined them. Willow gave him a dangerous look and Giles turned in his direction. "Hey, I'm sorry guys but there it goes. What's in the bag?" he asked quickly to deflect criticism.

Willow had a large carrier bag with her.

"Flash bombs. I made them with various ingredients and a binding spell that causes the powder to stick to the undead. I've only got five, however. The mix requires a cup of blood from a virgin of good standing. That's a direct quote, by the way, not my words."

"Wow, five bombs. You did well then" Xander observed.

At that moment Buffy conveniently turned up. She walked over to them and took the blanket off her staff. "Hi, are we all ready to party?"

"That's quite a weapon, Buffy. You could almost be Xena's sidekick, Gabrielle. Well, perhaps Gabrielle with attitude anyway." Xander complimented. "What with Sabrina and the Wolfman here, if I'd known it was to be a fancy dress affair, I would have come as Spiderman. Hey, Cordy, that leather top would have made a good Xena."

Willow walked round to the rear of the van. "You know, Xander, you're awfully brave with those wolf jokes." She opened the door and Oz leapt out, covering six feet and wheeling round to survey his surroundings.

The others reacted suitably. To his credit, Xander put himself between Oz and Cordelia. Giles fought fear with curiosity. Buffy stood her ground. Willow walked up to the wolf and laid her hands on its fur, placating the beast. Taking hold of a scruff of its fur she gently led it closer to the others. "It's important you do not show any threatening stance towards me," she said in a calm non threatened voice.

"Damn, and there I was going to threaten you as well. No kidding, Willow you don't say," Xander said with some nervous tension adding heat to his voice.

The wolf growled and took a step forwards. Willow had to grab hold of his fur and showed a little panic. "Damn it, Xander," she said in an extremely friendly manner with a wide smile on her face to convince Oz that he was no threat. "Now what you all need to do is hold out your hands in supplication and kneel before me" she instructed.

"You're kidding," Cordelia said with an equally friendly tone to her voice that belied the fact that she was very pissed off. Willow gave her one of her looks that brooked obedience.

Consequently, they all knelt one by one in front of Willow. She in turn laid her hand on each of their heads affectionately.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" Xander accused.

"You have no idea how much."

Buffy was last. Unlike the others, however, the wolf approached her hesitantly and sniffed and nuzzled its face in hers. Buffy and Willow looked at each other in surprise. Willow was also curious.

"Don't look at me like that, Willow. I've never touched him, I swear"

The ritual over, and Oz placated, the gang wordlessly walked deeper into the district. The brightness of the moon underplayed by the high walls of the warehouses.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

"Well, what do we have here?" An immaculately dressed vampire uttered in a pronounced English accent. He came to the front of the group of demons that blocked Buffy and her companions' way to the lair of the vampires. "This is a bad place to be after dark, children. You never know who you may meet."

"We came looking for you actually." Buffy responded "Searched all the gutters."

"We all live in the gutter, my dear. But some of us look up at the stars."

"Very profound, I assume."

"What do you know about it, Valley Girl," the vampire spat out the last words. "I've sipped tea with Oscar Wilde. I've watched Lillie Langtry perform live on stage."

"And yet," Buffy countered, "with all that culture, you're still a blood sucking ghoul that preys on the living. Sort of destroys one strongly held philosophy, doesn't it? Which is quite sad really. Let's fight," she said finally.

Without waiting for a come back line, Buffy ploughed her way through the vampires. She caught the lead demon under the chin with a violent upward lift of her staff. In a fluid non stop motion she then swung the weapon left, then right staking two vampires on either side of her. With them out the way, she turned to one side and thrust one spike into the recovering first vampire. The friend of Oscar dusted like all the rest. The whole confrontation had taken barely five seconds. Both sides of the fight were equally stunned at the skill and ferocity of the petite blonde in their midst. The remaining two vampires fled inside the warehouse.

"Well let's play follow the leader, folks," said Buffy.

The others, except Giles made to move.

"Giles?" Xander asked after him.

"Giles!" Buffy repeated louder "Are you with us?"

"I was just thinking," he said eventually. "He sipped tea with Oscar Wilde and saw Lillie perform. I would have given a lot to ask him what he talked about."

"Call me shallow, if you like," Buffy uttered, "but can we get back to the 1990s?"

She led the way. Xander was closest behind her. "Shallow," he teased.

"Spiderman?" she countered.

"So I have a thing about walking up walls."

"And tight-fitting costumes, I bet."

Xander looked round for Cordelia.

They entered the warehouse one by one and stood looking at the large interior. It was lit by large industrial light bulbs hung like chandeliers from the high ceiling. From out of the internal rooms the largest congregation of vampires they had ever seen slowly emerged.

"Oh bollocks," Giles uttered.

The others looked at him in shock.

"Way to instil courage, Giles," Xander said.

"Everyone with crossbows line up." Buffy organised the gang in to formation. "Take out as many as you can before we have to resort to hand-to-hand. Make every shot count."

"Now that's a cliché I can warm to," said Xander.

Cordelia was not so enamoured by the humour "Buffy, its been great and I've really enjoyed the last few weeks, but if we get out of this alive, I think I'll go back to hating you. It was safer that way."

Everyone slowly but accurately released all their bolts at the advancing vampires. Like a scene from Zulu, so many fell to the onslaught, but yet still more came. Having run out of her supply of bolts, Willow threw her bombs at the oncoming enemy. She tossed them above their heads and incanted a spell of unbinding that caused them to explode spectacularly. For a few precious moments, allowing the others to rest, the warehouse was drenched in bright light as the flare like intensity of the bombs rained down on the hapless vampires beneath. Depending on how much touched them, the victims either burst into flames and nothingness or screamed with agonising burns. However, the show was soon over and the odds, although reduced, were still heavily stacked against the forces of good.

Buffy charged into the pack, brandishing her staff. Dust filled the air.

"Oz!" Willow shouted out. The werewolf, who had been obediently waiting outside, came charging into the warehouse. Willow charged the vampires and was immediately brought down by two. The wolf ploughed into them and ripped them to pieces before they could open their mouths with shock. The battle became confused after that. Oz and Buffy were unstoppable. The others formed a ring and kept very close to each other, taking on only a couple of vampires at a time. They knew they could not go one on one with a demon and survive.

They did not go unharmed, however. Cordelia received a sharp kick to one of her knees that brought her to the ground. Xander had to put up a defensive fight rather than attack. Giles was blooded in several places and was weakening. Only Willow seemed to be largely unharmed with Oz not allowing anything to get close enough to her.

It took them a while before they realised that they now outnumbered the enemy. They wiped exhaustion from their faces and blood and dust from their clothes. Xander cradled an unconscious, but alive Cordelia in his arms. Willow stood to one side with her werewolf beside her ready to leap at any new threat. The vampires that were still alive ran for one of the internal doors.

"Is everyone all right?" Giles asked.

"I broke my stick," Buffy responded from near the door where the vampires had exited.

They all examined each others wounds and spoke quietly of school and television and other daylight occupations. Each one of them knowing they were lucky to be alive but not wishing to acknowledge the fact in open conversation. Willow was first to notice that Buffy was not with them. She stood up and looked round the warehouse, cringing at the body parts left by Oz; staking was so much cleaner. "Where did Buffy go?" she asked.

"Perhaps she's gone to be alone to mourn her broken staff," Xander quipped. He was concerned though as he got up and joined Willow in the search.

"Oh no," Willow uttered and ran for the door where Buffy had been standing. She found a steep flight of stairs on the other side. "Buffy!" she yelled down at her friend who was disappearing round a turning in the stairs.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy reached the bottom first as she had planned all along to do. Stealing a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure that Willow was not on her heels, she pushed at the heavy iron doors that stood at the end of the corridor.

"Buffy!" Willow yelled from the top of the stairs.

Buffy pushed harder to reveal a gap enough to squeeze through and not too wide so as to take too long to close again.

"Buffy!" Willow was now at the door herself. "Wait, Buffy!"

Buffy looked at her friend. "I'm sorry, Wills," she said as she started to close the door.

"No, Buffy, please don't do this... you don't have to." Willow was crying desperately and pushed to no avail from the other side. "Damn you!" she switched to anger.

"I need to do this, Willow." Buffy pleaded for understanding. "The worse that will happen is that I finally get to rest. I am hoping for more, but... that will suffice if it is all that is on offer." The two friends stole one last look. "Know that I love you dearly... whatever happens."

The door clicked shut and Willow sat down on the floor with her back to it. She waited for the others to find her.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy adjusted her eyes to the dim electric wall light that cast shadows over the store room. It was large and smelt damp with an odour of drains. She guessed there was a way to the sewer from here. No vampire would run into a box canyon. Suddenly the light intensified as a large overhead bulb was turned on. She looked up to see it swinging. The shadows of boxes intermingled with a large group of half humans that were approaching. Buffy counted ten. In such circumstances she knew she would not survive. She may have had a chance if she had not lost her Gabrielle Stick. A stake in each hand she stood her ground but inevitably was taken down by the onslaught of all the enemy at once. As she crouched to try and avoid the heavy blows from fists and feet she regretted that she was not able to give a better account of herself.

After what seemed like ages, she lay there on the ground, bruised all over and bleeding from cuts. It took a while before she realised the beating had stopped; her body hurt so much that she first thought she was imagining it as it felt like she was still being hit. She gradually pulled herself into a leaning position agsint sthe closed door in a mirror image of Willow on the other side. It took several seconds to focus her vision. Standing a few feet away she saw a familiar face. "Hello, Bright Eyes," she said with a smile.

"Hello, little... young lady," the vampire replied amiably. A long period of silence ensued until one of the other demons walked up to the leader.

"Do we finish her now?" he asked. "She deserves to die slowly for her acts."

"Oh don't bleat so," the leader admonished. "We'll go feeding tonight. By the end of the week we'll be back to strength." He regarded Buffy as an adult does a child needing to be taught. "You were impressive tonight, Slayer. But you do see the futility, don't you? We'll be back to normal next week and you'll be fighting again until strength betrays you. Why do you bother?"

"Each to our own curse I suppose," she replied. "Perhaps my successor will agree with you and settle down. For me its wasted words surely. I welcome the end, so do your worse."

Bright Eyes laughed. "When did you become so fatalistic? I owe you a life. Honour and all that."

Realisation hit Buffy. "I don't want your favour. I want your embrace and the oblivion it will bring."

He shook his head. "No. Not tonight, slayer."

"Please!" Buffy pleaded. "Please," she repeated quietly.

The vampire looked disappointed. "You've killed the Master and The Judge and Angelus and no one has seen Spike for weeks. That's quite a CV, even for a slayer. Begging doesn't become you," he added chiding Buffy.

"I didn't kill Angelus. He was dead already. I sent an innocent man to Hell." Buffy stated in a tone revealing her feelings of guilt and remorse. "I want oblivion and nothingness. Only that will suffice. Anyway," she added off handily. "it's someone else's turn to save the world."

"You sent Angel to hell did you?" Buffy didn't respond. "That'll cramp his style for sure. I can remember when he was mortal. An irresponsible womaniser. Darla could always pick the best." He saw Buffy's expression change to remorse. Of course, you don't want to hear that. I heard about you two, and the Gypsy curse as well, of course. That was a shame. Really it was. Angelus was always a threat to us; too impetuous and easy to anger. Ending the world is so counter-productive. Angel on the other hand... the original Angel, not your lover, was just a rogue. Your Angel was so... nice."

"Please," Buffy pleaded again "either leave me here to die or do the next decent thing and make it quick."

"I was only reminiscing." he laughed. "Oh all right then, I'll give you what you want. Come here."

"I cant," Buffy said meekly "your comrades-in-arms broke my leg," she added to his questioning look. "When I was down I might add."

"You two," he gestured to two other vampires to his left. "Bring her to me."

They approached and bent down and grabbed Buffy.

"Wait!" She shouted to no avail.

The two demons lifted her under her arms. Buffy let out a scream and slumped in their grip.

"Is she dead already?" Bright Eyes enquired.

"No I'm not," Buffy said regaining consciousness. "I forgot to mention the broken ribs as well. Be gentle now lads."

They almost lovingly assisted Buffy to get to their leader who made no effort to shorten the distance. She stood on her good leg and looked into the eyes of her killer/saviour. He was nearly a foot taller and she had to crane her neck. He took the gesture as an offering of herself to him. He shook his head again in disappointment. "You know, I could just turn you into one of us. What do you think of that prospect? You would have no love for your friends and would most probably be their death warrant."

Buffy was not perturbed by the empty threat. "You won't do that," she replied. "I would be more of a pain than Angelus"

"You're probably right," he said matter of factly and without any further words he took Buffy's neck and commenced to drain her of life. Buffy was briefly shocked at the suddenness and was barely able to utter a quiet thank you.

After only ten seconds of feeding he lowered the limp form of the slayer to the floor. He laid her out, her legs straight and arms at her side.

"Is she dead?" a vampire asked from behind him.

"That's up to her," he replied not turning round. "I said I would give her what she wants. The final choice is hers."

"I hope she isn't personally," the other said. "Immortality is boring without a slayer to stir things."

The leader turned to his colleague. "I agree, but there will be another one to replace her regardless. In the meantime we have work to do to prepare for whichever eventuality. Which is a pity really because I'm not hungry any more."

The remaining vampires left the room by a large manhole and entered the sewers.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy awoke to daylight, she thought, or at least brightness not linked to a sealed underground chamber. Looking around she realised she was on a rough untreated road in countryside surroundings, although no features had any substance to them. More concentration allowed her to discern fields of green grass and yellow corn, but they still shimmered lacking a sense of reality. The only solid aspect of her surroundings was the road she lay on. That and the small grass incline either side and a park bench that stood almost surreal-like a few yards away. She slowly tried to stand and was surprised to feel no pain.

Standing up and turning 360 degrees to survey her surroundings, Buffy caught sight of someone approaching her. He was not far away but she was unable to focus on any image clearly. After what seemed an age she put a hand to her mouth in shock followed straight after by joy and too many other emotions to name. Angel, her Angel, stood before her.

"Angel?" she tentatively reached out with her right hand. She gently brushed it down his face, almost afraid that he might not be real.

"Buffy, you look well."

"I've been...busy busy". She smiled weakly. "Angel...I'm sorry," she said.

"Sssh." Angel placed a finger over her lips. "You did what you had to do."

"Yea." She looked to one side. "I always do that. And yet I feel I have to apologise afterwards. She wiped tears away that were now freely coming. She sniffed and brought herself under control. It was then that she noticed the rough track led to a small stone cottage. "Is that your home? It's pretty." She pointed behind Angel.

He looked over his shoulder. "It could be. The design is more your imagination than reality."

"Yea? Pretty cool, huh?"

Buffy walked round Angel and approached the structure, which appeared to close the distance between them as though it was approaching her. Without turning round, she voiced her concern. "Is all this my imagination? Are...are you a figment?"

Angel stood directly behind her. He wrapped his arms round her waist. Buffy remembered a dream such as this. Only then they had been on a beach. The Sun high in the sky.

"I feel real," Angel said at last, "I can remember everything I've been through. I think therefore I am," he quoted.

"I think you are thinking, therefore you are thinking what I think you should think... well you get what I mean," Buffy countered.

Angel turned Buffy round to face him. "I am here, by whatever means. You are here. If it is a dream...and it could be **my** dream, let us play along. It might not be the right thing but..."

"...no apologies," Buffy finished. She smiled. She then backed away. "I can't," she said steeling herself. Daring the tears to shake the resolve she needed. "I left the others before. I can't...I won't do it again. They're really crap at the slayer thing, believe me."

"Don't worry," Angel said.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Giles knelt down and gently cradled Buffy in his arms. He was able to stand with ease as she weighed so little. Willow had to strain her neck to see into Buffy's face. To try and detect any life there. Xander and Cordelia joined the group.

"Where's Oz?" Willow asked concerned.

"Don't worry, he's getting dressed outside." Night had turned into dawn and Oz had changed back to human form.

There followed a long pause and Oz eventually joined them. He stood beside Willow and they held each other tightly.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

They stood again on the rough track. It seemed they had been together so short a time although their aged appearance belied that feeling.

"Time to go," Angel whispered.

"Time to go," Buffy echoed.

Angel's bite on his lover's neck was willingly taken. That and necessary, to fulfil her promise. He lowered Buffy to the ground and lovingly laid her body out straight. Her arms crossed over her chest. It made for a beautiful moment, the Sun framing the scene.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Buffy's eyes opened. There were audible sighs of relief all round. Willow cried on Oz's shoulder.

"Hello, Rupert," Buffy said "we must stop meeting like this or people will start talking." Giles hugged her close and laughed behind unashamed tears. "Hey hey!" Buffy cried, "Broken bones and internal bleeding," she half joked as the wounds had returned.

"I'm sorry. It's...it's just I...I mean we all thought you were...you know?"

"Giles," she cut in.

"Yes?"

"Take me home."

"Yes, Buffy. But via the hospital."

"If you insist, but," she added, "could we go to a different one? They're starting to stare at me in the other."

"But, Buff," Xander butted in "They're thinking of naming a ward after you. How does the Buffy Summers Ward sound?"

"Yea," added Oz, "their original choice of the Slayer Ward was turned down as inappropriate."

Buffy smiled. "I've got a confession to make," she said "I think I probably died again. Does that present a problem?"

"If it does we will tackle it," Giles replied.

"It was beautiful, Rupert. Not intoxicating though, so you needn't worry."

"What did you see, Buffy?" Willow asked her friend.

Buffy looked down at her and smiled genuinely. "The Inner Light," she replied cryptically.

They all followed Giles and Buffy back up the stairs.

"The Inner Light?" Xander repeated. "That sounds familiar."

"It's the title of a really cool Star Trek episode," Oz offered whilst looking at Buffy. Her eyes met his. She smiled and nodded slightly to confirm his interpretation.

"Oh yes," Xander uttered standing still whilst the rest of the gang walked ahead. "I remember. That's the one where Picard...oh, hey wait a minute," he called after the others. "Buffy! Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

end.

I kept the right ones out

And let the wrong ones in

Had an angel of mercy to see me

through all my sins

There were times in my life

When I was goin' insane

Tryin' to walk through

The pain

When I lost my grip

And I hit the floor

Yeah, I thought I could leave but

couldn't get out the door

I was so sick and tired

Of livin' a lie

I was wishin' that I

Would die

That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation

And how high can you fly with

broken wings ?

Life's a journey not a destination

And I just can't tell just what

tomorrow brings

It's Amazing

With the blink of an eye you finally

see the light

It's Amazing

When the moment arrives that you know

you'll be all right

It's Amazing

And I'm sayin' a prayer for the **desperate**

**hearts **tonight.

( Amazing: Aerosmith )


End file.
